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 I've been doing time since I was thirteen years old, in and out of group homes and juvenile institutions.All my problems started when my parents divorced, I was just 13 at the time and already into the drugs . Having a cocaine habit that was very costly and was always stealing anything of value to maintain that habit. I was arrested on numerous occasions, but since I was still classified as a juvenile, the most that could be done to me was to be placed in a group home. I went from Boys Ranches to Alternative schools throughout my early teens, but as soon as I was released from one it was only a matter of time before I had the needle back in my arm. Life was becoming one vicious circle of always wanting a fix to running from the cops and being paranoid, then stealing, only to be arrested again. Following that was always incarceration for a few months. Then back on the streets again, where it all starts over. . When I was seventeen I was arrested for Burglary and since I had now reached the age to be legally considered an adult in this state, I was tried as such. That charge warranted a prison conviction of eight years.
I just turned 18 when I entered the Buenna Vista Correctional Facility in Colorado. While serving that time I was barely two years into it when I stabbed another inmate. It was in self-defense, however, the system did not see it like that and I was charged with 2nd degree assault with a deadly weapon. Once convicted of that I was given an additional twelve more years. This now made my sentence twenty years. While sitting in solitary confinement in segregation awaiting transfer to a maximum facility prison I managed to escape and was caught later on that same day, hiding out at the airport, waiting for my ride, which never showed up. So now I'm facing more charges at this point; Escape! I ended up serving six years in solitary confinement “Administrative Segregation”, where I was not allowed any year privileges and was only allowed out of my cell for an hour a day. I exercised during that time for six years. I can only say that what I saw before as a hopeless situation became a blessing in disguise.
Instead of spending that time feeling sorry for myself I used it in a positive way. I had a full day and night with only minor interruptions to soul search and get to know myself. At one point in time I began to really like the solitude. During that time I learned that I had very little self-esteem. I didn't realize it had any effect on me until I was released back into the general population. I was like a wild animal being released into the public. I wasn't comfortable being around other inmates. I was full of anxiety and paranoid as I had NO human contact for those six years in solitary. Still to this day I have severe anxiety issues. Was it because of the 6 years by myself? I couldn't tell you for sure. I have severe anxiety issues but as time went on, I slowly started to feel normal again. I have done a lot of time yet I have gained a great deal of inner strength, learned about myself, and from my mistakes. Have learned some reason as to why I took the path I did at such a young age. I know now that I will never submit to the environment and let myself become weak in a prison cell. However, I'm still a long way off from finding my true inner peace.
Prisons are filled with tension, mistrust, and hatred. My institutional violence, inside the prisons of course, has made things difficult at times. There are a lot of things around me which fill me with sadness. The way we are treated by the prison authorities, the hopelessness and lack of positive outlook for the future; the separation and breakup of families. And so on and so forth.
My parole in 1987 lasted 6 months, and the one in 1998 lasted two and a half years. Both of those times I failed to establish any personal relationships and that's frustrating as hell and hurts deeply. Especially when I know that I am a decent person, rough around the edges, just needing a soft, understanding touch. I know that people don't have to like me or accept me, and I can't do anything to change that. I am who I am, but I am not the same person who walked through those prison doors just shy of 18. No ladies and gentlemen, I've grown into myself, and the key to change is self discovery. I realize that the last 20 years in spent inside these walls has given me some behavior and attitudes that offend or even scare others, this being a simple product of my environment with little positive coming into me. I want to be accepted and liked, and to be loved. Don't we all?
Having served twenty years and being 44, after so many years of being tough and cold, it's a barrier that is difficult to change. Inside, you have no choice but to be tough and cold, it's a matter of survival. My problem when I get out on parole has been trying to find a lifestyle that's fulfilling for me. The old days of being a criminal and chasing the ghost are gone. They have to be now. I'm not the same person as I was 20 years ago. I finally realized that's a dead-end street. I'm sick and tired of living that type of lifestyle, and I know I must stop associating with nearly everyone that I know.
My time is near and I will be released soon. I often wonder will I ever fit in society on the outside? All I want is to live a normal, fulfilling life and to be happy. Is that possible for anyone out there? I ask myself,"What can I do to be rid of this prison experience?" I'm open to any suggestions. I'm getting out of prison, but prison may not be getting out of me. That is terrifying at best. Getting out of prison is like coming home from a foreign country after fighting in a war and then having to deal with everyday normal life which is all new and a shock to the system. You feel like you want to just go back to what you know best and know how to survive in!
One of my aspirations in life is to help teenage kids and teach them from my own experiences, letting them know there is more to life than gangs, drugs, and being a criminal. This is the first time I have ever written anything about myself and my experiences. I'm no writer by any means but I hope to attract someone who can accept and appreciate me for me. Someone who is able to return the loyalty and nurturing I am willing to give the special someone in my life, a true friend that leads to possibly more. Every great relationship through the echos of time has started with friendship.
This was a long story short and anyone interested in knowing more, please feel free to write and ask me anything. I'll do my best to answer any questions you may have or tell you whatever you would like to know about me.
From The Heart
Peace to You!
~John Kilgore  John Kilgore #51924
P.O. Box 6000
Sterling, CO 80751
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