Tales From The Cells is the reality inside United States Prisons, both Federal and State. We are involved in advocacy and reform! Redemption and confession with our My Story section and lost, lonely souls with our Pen Pal section. We give prisoners a voice, a platform to tell their story, to offer up their lifestyle inside, and to air problems within the prison walls. This is as close to the inside as you will ever get without actually walking inside the world within a world. Reality at it's finest, Can you handle the Truth?

Home Katfish KatFish Blog If You Think It’s Too Good To Be True, Then It Probably Is; Blog Number 1
If You Think It’s Too Good To Be True, Then It Probably Is; Blog Number 1 PDF Print E-mail
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Written by Katfish   
Wednesday, 01 April 2009 14:48

There’s a lot of convicts out there who run those ads w/ the express purpose of finding some lady somewhere who will fall for the boolshit. They’re looking for a couple ladies who have not yet heard the convict’s tired old material, thus it’s fresh and new. Hello ladies and gentlemen, I’m Katfish, you’ll be getting to know a lot more about me and my life.


This is my first blog, although I’ve written thousands upon thousands of pages of material, this is my first opportunity to share with the world. As I’ve said, I’m Katfish, and I’ll goddamn tell it like it REALLY is. Some convicts can occasionally view an ad because their BOP Boss will check in now and again on the numerous  and ubiquitous “Meet The Outlaw” sites. They’re going to see this, and for those few who will actually read it, (Most just want to see if their ugly face in the ugly photo they sent in has been posted yet), they’ll say, “Why, who does that son of a bitch think he is!  Giving up man secrets!  He can’t do that!”  Oh yes I can!


It simply amazes me when a truly good hearted woman gets taken by a smooth talking convict whose mouth is filled w/sticky sweet syrup while his heart is filled with black deceit. So this is for the ladies, not because I love all of you; I don’t. Some of you are callous bitches that have broken your own fair share of hearts. Nevertheless, heads up are due because 98% of the time, I really am on your side.....




First:  Beware the photos.


A convict likes nothing better than to fool a lady. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen a photo on a pen pal screen of someone I know and I think, “What the hell?” A lot of convicts will intentionally misrepresent themselves by using a photo that’s 5 years older, 100 pounds lighter and 2 chins less. Ladies, if you choose to write a convict based solely on his photo, be sure to ask for more recent ones. Trust me, most of these guys are so fat they have better titties than some of you. One guy I know found a Cheeto stuck to the underside of his left titty. He plucked it off, examined it and said, “There it is. I was looking for that.” He then ate it. Yeppers. He has an ad. No names. That I don’t do. Nor am I speaking ‘bout anyone on this site. Course I don’t know everybody either. So anyway, my photos are within one year recent. Whatcha think? Yeah, I am ugly. But I make up for it by having a little dick.


Secondly: A convict will lie to you.


Yessiree. He’ll tell you long, delicious lies, lies longer than the March of Dimes. His ad was most likely written by someone else. I’ve had ‘em ask me, “Katfish, you can write, help me with my ad.” “Fuck no. Write it yourself. What’s gonna happen when a girl starts writing you? Am I gonna have to write your letters for you too? Write your own goddamn ad,” I answer.


Thirdly: Never tell a convict too much; not at first.


You may be the only one to respond to his ad, therefore he will clutch at you like a drowning man. Ladies, make him tell you up front about him. Run the really important questions by him first, the things that matter most. I totally recommend that you broach the top 3 subjects: Monogamy, Drugs, and Violence. Gauge his reactions to your thoughts RE these topics. Men are never monogamous. Druggies will likely always use dope. Violence? This is important girls. Most of you know how to go about running a criminal background check. Look for D.V.S.

If a convict has a Domestic Violence conviction/s, then it’s likely he’s a hands on kinda fella. I’m D.V. free. Check my criminal record, which Nikita will be posting in the next posting for the basis of my book, Glimpses of Madness. I’m the big friend the girls usually come to when it’s time to go get “their stuff” so they can move out.


Alright, this is getting too long. I have all kinds of tips, so should Nikita choose (which she shall) to break this in two parts, all the better. Also, there’s going to be a bunch of fuckers on me for coughing up these man secrets.


Probably want me to turn in my man card. Haw! As if…

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Last Updated on Saturday, 02 May 2009 02:01