Everyone likes to have a nice smile. Right? Therefore, a man in prison has to take really good care of his teeth while he’s away. When a person initially gets arrested and taken to county, the jail furnishes him with a toothbrush. A very basic brush, one usually made in China or Taiwan. Some of these jailhouse brushes are only two inches long. After all, God forbid a man to make a shank out of one and stab a fellow inmate or maybe even a guard. Ever brushed your teeth with one of those stubby little bastards? Sure makes a hell of a mess. Your thumb and forefinger get covered with spittle and grit. And the toothpaste? Well, it certainly leaves little to be desired. The cheapest, most generic shit known to man! That’s all you’re getting in the county jail and you’re lucky if you get that! It gets a little better when you finally make it to the joint. At least there you can buy name brand toothpaste on the store. Variety won’t be much. But you will be able to brush your grill without getting ill.

In the old days, an inmate could get his teeth cleaned every six months here in federal prison. Nowadays, it takes an act of Congress just to get on the list. Say you have a tooth that’s bothering you, one that’s chipped or a filling that fell out in your palm. All you have to do is sign up at medical and the dentist will call you in. May take a few days, sometimes weeks or months. Time dosen’t matter to these dentists and doctors because they are running on B.O.P. time. Pain and agnoy are a plus in their mind. But eventually you will be seen.Standard operating procedure for a prison dentist is to pull the offending tooth. Fillings are few and far between. And something like a root canal? You got to be kidding me! You can forget that shit until you make it back to the street. No braces or fancy schmancy dental procedures in here. You might be able to get dentures or a partial made. But then again, that may take a couple of years. Some guys gum their food to death forever. The roofs of their mouths tore all to holy hell. One friend of mine, he accidentally flushed his bottom plate down the shitter when throwing up. Know what they told him when he went to try and get another one made? “We’ll furnish you with a blended diet. In the mean, time you’re on the list.”

Some prison dentists are straight up sadists! Guys from India, Vietnam or the Republic of Congo. Always foreigners working for the B.O.P.Those who can not, under any circumstance, get a job on the street or hold private practice. These guys love inflicting pain! Oh sure, you’ll get a shot of Novacaine in the roof of your mouth and/or in your gums.The problem is, they rarely wait to let your mouth get numb before they pull out your teeth! Oops! My bad! Did that hurt? Heh! Heh! One guy told me the dentist climbed up on the chair and put his right knee right square in the middle of his chest when pulling his tooth with a huge pair of pliers. Another one, lucky enough to be knocked out before hand, well … maybe not so lucky. It all depends on how you look at it. Told me after he woke up from being under sedation, his mouth not only hurt. So did his asshole! Now you tell me. What’s wrong with this picture? To worsen matters, the dentist was standing there smiling buckling his belt. Yeah, there are some real sick, twisted, perverted bastards pulling teeth in the B.O.P. That’s why you gotta make damn sure you do everything in your power to take care of your teeth while you can.

Occasionally, there will be a good looking female dental hygienist leaning over the chair putting her tits in your face while cleaning your teeth. And under the blue paper dental apron you’ll be getting a rise. Some joints have dental floss. Others won’t allow it saying one might fashion a rope or a garrotte to cut someone’s head off. They also say you can take dental floss and carbon from pencil lead and use it like a diamond jeweler’s string to cut through the bars. I don’t know. Never tried it. Sounds like too much goddamn work to me. And pain killers? Something to help ease the pain after having a mouthful of incisors and jaw teeth pulled? Here! Try this Ibuprofen. The cure all wonder drug in the B.O.P. Because you’re damn sure not going to get any dimerol or dilaudid. Nothing real for your ever so painful excrutiating pain. It would not surprise me if some of these prison dentists didn’t secretly film some of these brutal extractions for segments on films like, “The Faces of Death” or “Ripley’s Believe It Or Not!”

Anyone know what amalgam is? It’s the only substance the Bureau uses to fill an inmate’s teeth. Cheap ass shit! Not good for humans in any way. Then again, we’re nothing but crash dummies left to the hands of sadists for experi­ments like Jews tortured by Hitler’s doctors in the second world war anyway. No screw in or expensive vinyl teeth here. No silver or gold fillings and no fancy gold caps for the gangbangers from Memphis or NYC. Just your standard prison barbarity. I’ve had a few teetn pulled in prison. And let me tell you, it wasn’t any fun at all. Getting a tooth pulled beats the hell out of having a toothache though. Unless the dentist straddles your chest with a BFH (big fucking hammer) and a chisel to knock it out. Fortunately, all my teeth are in pretty good shape. I’ve always taken care of them since I was a little, bitty boy. Soon to be released from federal prison, I’ll once again be back out there with all the rest of you smiling faces! So smile! It ain’t all that bad! I’m Tripper! Better Days!