Each morning when I wake up here in federal prison, I feel just like Ozzy says, “I’m going out the rails on a crazy train!” Yeah, the men who live and work here are some straight-up nutcases for real! Sometimes I find it hard to believe I’m even in a loony bin like this. I surely don’t belong here. My mom and dad didn’t raise me to be in an insane asylum or as the BOP prefers to call it, Federal Prison. In my book, the terms are the same. How dare that senile old bastard of a District Court Judge exile me away to do time with a bunch of crazy people! Wish that prick had to spend a few days in my shoes. Then maybe he’d be a bit more caring and sensitive when sentencing a man to a million years behind bars for a little of nothing. I think every judge and prosecutor should have to spend at least three months in the joint before he’s ever allowed to give a man a single day behind bars. Know what I’m saying? Perhaps the time would fit the crime a little more appropriately.

Here at FCI Big Spring, I live in an open dormitory type environment. Each morning I wake up in a hot room full of maniacs snoring, farting and stinkin’ up the place. I walk to the bathroom and the acrid smell of urine overpowers me. The homosexual we all call Psycho is standing in front of one of the toilets savoring the aroma of another man’s feces. “The sweet smell of love,” he announces out loud. He briefly looks my way and I fake a swing at him and flip him the bird. In my opinion, he’s a sick and twisted freak of nature standing there waiting on his make believe faggot lover to meet him on stall 2. Then, in walks the inmate I call the Boxer. Extremely dain bramaged from one too many blows to the cranium, he’s totally lost in this world away from a world. He brushes his teeth in the toilet, what few teeth he still has left, pisses half in the urinal and half on the floor. Then idly wanders back to his bunk -to sit and pick his nose and play with his dick until the prison guard yells, “Chow!”

I know I’ve talked about some of these weirdoes before. And for those of you who have read all of my past blogs, I apologize. It’s just that I can’t ever seem to get used to these frickin’ dumbasses! A couple of the strangest of these yo-yo’s did get out of prison recently - only to be replaced by nuttier and more ignorant assholes of course. Sometimes I wonder why our government even goes through the trouble to lock these fruit loops up. They need to be in mental institutions. Not in federal prison doing time. Like the oddball I call the Mad Bomber. Apparently this guy decided he was going to blow up some huge propane tank out in California somewhere and kill a bunch of nearby religious nuts. Wearing dirty socks on his hands for gloves, his pants pockets constantly turned inside out and his government issue brogans on the wrong feet, you’d never know this guy could do calculus and trig. Fun to talk to on occa­sion. But most of the time he’s so far out in left field I can’t even under­stand what he’s saying. One wheel stuck in the mud for real!

Six o’clock arrives and all the delusional psychopaths, dressed in their khaki uniforms and Chinese made prison boots, amble toward the chow hall for a bowl of runny Malt-O-Meal. The whackos from Sunset 4 are smiling ear-to-ear as they drop food on the fronts of their shirts and spill their powdered milk on the floor. Some of the nuts skip breakfast altogether and head straight to the pill line for their thorazine or prolixin. Others can’t wait to get to the kitchen so they can play in or wear their over-easy eggs. One Silly Billy tries to sneak his sausage patty out to put under his pillow but gets caught. He knows it’s against the rules to take food out of the inmate dining hall but he tries it every day anyway. And, he always gets caught and sometimes ends up in the hole if he goes off on the guard calling him all kinds of dickeads and ho’s. He might even end up naked in four-point restraints on suicide watch. You just never can tell. So many nitwits in this place. Somehow, it never ceases to amaze me. Crazy folks running rampant everywhere! Are there really that many on the outside world? I don’t remember life being so full of mentally challenged men or women for that matter.

Here’s something I bet none of you normal folks on the outside ever heard of. We have what you call phantom shower shitters here at this insti­tution. Nasty mf’ers that like to defecate in the place where we few sane prisoners have to wash our ass everyday. Nothing like walking in a shower stall to find do-do in the floor. Okay, TMT? (too much information)’. Let’s just say when those particular jerk offs get caught doing “shit” like that, they really get their asses kicked and bad! And nine times out of ten, prison staff won’t do anything about it. No punishment for the men who take matters into their own hands. It takes all kinds I guess. I just can’t wait to get out of this shithole and back home where I can at least have the piece of mind to know I can walk in the bathroom in the morning without having to step in a pile of crap. No more breakin’ the law for me. No siree Bob!

“All aboard! Ha! ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!” Yeah, the crazy train! Dumb-fucks all around me that don’t even know how to tie their own fuckin’ shoes. It makes me wonder how some of them were even smart enough to get put in the pen in the first place or how many where just thrown here because there was no place else in the real world for them. Just goes to show you, our government will lock up anyone and everyone they can to make a buck. Because let’s face it. Prisons are big business. Our United States Justice Department will do everything in their power to cram these places full of human bodies as fast as they can just so they’ll all have a job. Maybe I’ll stick a note on the wall requesting the Phantom Shower Shitter go to D.C. when he gets out and take a dump in the Supreme Court Justices’ sink and see how they like it! In closing, just wanted to let everyone know that I’m not only doing time in federal prison. I’m serving my sentence in a madhouse with a bunch of water head incest babies that don’t know the difference in their asses and a hole in the ground! Judgment on these men sounds harsh, but they don’t belong here. Someone is liable to mame them or worse, and sadly, the person being stupid won’t even realize what he’s done is wrong. What are the judges out there thinking? What do you all think? Any experiences you’d like to share with me to help save my own sanity? I’m Tripper! Better Days!

Side Note: Mental Illness is no joke. If you or someone you know are suffering and need help, please contact your local hospital or health care professional. An alliance for the mentally ill is a group called NAMI