Captain Kangaroo Kid

Some of my readers may be too young to remember Bob Keeshan as Captain Kangaroo. Others may be a product of the ‘roo generation just like me. Captain Kangaroo,for those who don’t know, was a preschool TV program that ran on CBS from 1955 to 1984. A large, dumpy lookin’ dude with a funny haircut and thick brushy ’stache. I sometimes wondered if the Captain got high or maybe he was gay. And if so, was Mr. Greenjeans also a stoner or perhaps the Captain’s gay counterpart? Nonetheless, I was a little kid who sat in front of the TV Monday through Friday watching Captain K. before heading off for school. Romper Room didn’t have shit on the Captain. Neither did that soft spoken fag Mr. Rogers. “Can you say penis boys and girls? Sure you can!” Yeah, the whole crew of early morning kid show hosts were a bunch of fucking freaks!

And how about the Dancing Bear? Remember him? I think I read somewhere that the guy in the bear costume was the same dude that had his hand stuck up Bunny Rabbit’s ass to make him come to life. Silly rabbit anyway. A bear, a rabbit, a moose and a talking grandfather clock. What kind of acid was Captain Kangaroo fucking doing? Someone certainly had a vivid imagination. That’s for sure. Did you know the Captain was a drunk? Remember how red his cheeks always were? He must have spiked his morning coffee with vodka. At least he didn’t commit suicide like poor Mr. Greenjeans. I heard he woke up one morning, looked in the mirror and said, “Look at me! What a pitiful excuse for a man! I’m 72 years old and all I’ve ever been is Mister Fucking Greenjeans!” Click, click, BOOM! It was all over but the crying.

When I shaved off my experimental beard a couple months ago, I was fucking around and left myself some big old mutton chop sideburns like Captain Kangaroo use to have. After a few minutes, I realized how silly I looked and shaved them off. Think that was a wig the Captain wore? His hair was always so straight and perfect. I never had bangs when I was a little kid. They only looked good on little girls. Maybe that was part of the Captain’s way of getting in touch with his feminine side. Who the hell knows. No magic mirror on the Captain. “Magic mirror, magic mirror, tell me today, did all my friends have fun at play?” Yeah, fuck some Romper Room! The Captain was the shit! I was a Captain Kangaroo kid. Not a Romper Room reject! And while I’m thinking about it, screw some Mr. Stupid Rogers too!

When I was a kid, I use to think it was so goddamn funny when Mr. Moose dropped all those ping-pong balls on top of the Captain’s head. Stupid ass moose anyway. Apparently, I wasn’t the only one that thought all that shit was funny. Its 29 year running made Captain Kangaroo the longest-running national children’s program in the history of network TV. Thinking back, I seem to recall there was at least one female who frequented the show. She was some sort of farm chick that came in and helped Mr. Greenjeans from time to time. Anyone remember her name? I thought not. Maybe I was just hallucinating. Hell I don’t know! And there were even cartoons on the Captain K. show. Tom Terrific and some fucked up dog named Muttley? No, not Muttley. Manfred the Wonder Dog! Yeah, I remember now!

The Captain may not have been gay. The rumor I heard about him and Mr. McFeely Rogers doing it in a Greyhound Bus Station may not have been true at all. I think it all started when my older cousin Ronnie saw me watching the Cap’ one morning and said, “You know he gobbles goobers don’t you?” I looked at him all crazy and said, “What did you say?” “Captain Kangaroo is a homo! He sucks little boy’s peckers!” Ronnie continued to taunt and tease. “No he does not!” I adamantly replied. “Now go the hell away!” He literally ruined my wholesome image of my childhood idol! He screwed my mind up for life! Surely Captain K. wasn’t a queer. And if so, how did my cousin Ronnie find out and know? Fuck it. He had to be lying. So I went ahead and kept watching Captain Kangaroo anyway.

Yeah, there were other little kids shows, but none held a candle to Captain K. Howdy Doody was before my time and Bozo the Clown always freaked me out. Mr. Rogers, he reminded me too much of Norman Bates, the character on Alfred Hitchcock’s movie “Psycho”. Some weird, soft spoken mental patient who might sneak up and stab you in the back right before he fucked you up the ass. Oh shit! I just remembered something else. Remember the Captain’s jangling ring of keys? I just thought about that when a Correctional Officer walked by and locked our cellblock door! Was the Captain perhaps an old school prison guard? Maybe he really did like young boys after all! And too, I wonder if the Captain ever got his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame? He certainly was famous enough. Quite the colorful character, everyone knew who he was.

In closing, I just wanted to let everyone know that I was a Captain Kangaroo kid and proud of it! I miss all the little books he use to read to me. Think there’s some kind of box set of all his old shows? I miss his theme music. I can still hear it in my head today. What a happy tune. I wonder if the Cap. had diabetes? After all, he was fat and alcohol is chock full of sugar. Never saw him smoke a cigarette. But hell, he probably smoked them and maybe even a little weed too. In my middle class home, watching Captain Kangaroo was something to help keep me out of mischief. I know my mom appreciated him even though I kind of turned out fucked up, ending up in federal prison like I did. Wherever you are Captain!, I hope you’re happy as you made me smile many an early morning before grade school! I am Tripper! Better Kangaroo Days!

Trying to make this birthday a happy one for Tripper. I’m calling out to all friends, readers, and supporters, I need your help to make this work. Please read the blog, but the goal is at least 100 cards. That’s no small goal, it’s gonna take everybody and then some!! Please check it out and pimp this!!

Tales From The Cells

I’m in federal prison and here is what I have to say…