Ramen Noodles Suck Green Donkey Dick
Depending on how you look at it, the inventor of Ramen Noodles should have their ass kicked. Or should they? Are ramen noodles, in all their glory, the greatest invention known to mankind? Or, are they the suckiest? All I know is, I was in prison five long years before I ever had the nerve, the urge and the need to try any. They basically looked tasteless to me. Also, thinking to myself when I first saw any, I thought anything purporting to be a meal at a cost of a mere dime had to be shitty. Was that some of the same crap I use to smell the dune coons cooking when I went in to rent cheap motel rooms all over the United States? Sure some stinky ass shit! I told myself there was no way I was ever going to eat one of those cheap ass ramen noodle soups. Then one day I got both broke and hungry. I broke weak. I gave in. And the rest as they say … is history!
There are hundreds of things you can add to a Ramen Noodle soup in an effort to make it tasty. But when it’s all said and done, the soup’s still in there. Full of starch; the little flavor packets so full of sodium they shoot your blood pressure through the roof. Everything about a ramen is unhealthy. Yet with the bullshit food service sometimes feeds you in these places, you’d better have a soup or two stashed back for emergency purposes. Because if you don’t, you very well could starve to death or go hungry. Ramen noodle soups run thirty-cents a piece here in federal prison. But I can still remember back when they cost a dime. A former homeless person who just came in on vacation, told me Ramens are only fifteen-cents at the grocery store. The Wal-Mart no frills brand is only a dime. Seems like they’re robbing us here at double and triple that. Which I know, you are thinking 30 cents, but really, it adds up quickly when you have very little money to work with. No matter, I rarely buy them anyway.
In prison, a bare bones Ramen Noodle soup without anything added to it is called a “butt naked.” And a mother fucker’s gotta be pretty hard up to eat one of those. But it does happen. The more inventive inmate might add a shot of squeeze cheese (imitation cheese product of course) or a summer sausage or fresh jalapeño to make their meal a bit more tasty. Others throw in everything but the kitchen sink. Some use ramen as “stretcher,” making everything from tacos to burritos. Again, I only eat them when it’s absolutely necessary. As a matter of fact, I ate my very first butt naked in eight years just the other night. Had to. The so-called lasagna in the kitchen that night was made with ground turkey. So spoiled and rancid, everyone tossed it in the dish window on the way out the chowhall door. Ate the butt naked and suffered indigestion until the wee hours of the morning before finally being able to fall off to sleep. Last time I’ll ever do that again.
Some of these assholes eat their ramen soups raw. Munching on the brittle shit like it were some kind of gourmet potato chip or something. Now you know that dry ass crap has to swell up in your stomach once swallowed. Seems like it might blow their asses up, kinda like what happens to a pigeon or seagull when you feed it an alka-seltzer. Not that I’ve ever fed a squab or erne a plop-plop fizz-fizz for that matter. Heh! Heh! No raw noodles for me. No noodles at all if I can help it. No stomping on the packages thrown to the floor to crunch them up before cooking. No eating packages of ramen noodles with little holes gnawed in the sides by the neighborhood mice. And no standing over the shitter throwing my guts up after eating a chili or lime shrimp flavored soup. Again, no bullshit ramen noodle soups at all if I can help it. If I can, I’ll leave them to the psych patients, the idiots and the extremely poor, that being those who don’t even get the 50 spot monthly that I do from my dear friend Nic. Lord knows she’s tried to help me avoid the butt naked ramens over the years.
What kind of machine makes those fucked up noodles anyway? Something resembling an early Scottish or Chinese loom? And where are they made? In India? Malaysia? Or maybe Singapore? Surely they don’t make those shitty mother fuckers right here in the good old U.S. of A? Because if they do, the CEO of that company should be executed by firing squad. Funny though, when I got out of prison in ‘94 I said to myself … I’m going to buy me a bunch of ramen noodle soups and put them up in the kitchen cabinet and save them for hard times. Well, times never got hard enough for me. They sat in the cabinet until they went bad, which in reality I don’t guess they ever do. The only two things that’ll survive a nuclear holocaust are cockroaches and ramen noodle soups. And by the way, cockroaches won’t even get near ramen noodles. Neither will prison piss ants for that matter. The local mice population does enjoy them however.
Those of my readers who have been in state or federal prison, know what I’m saying is true. Ramen noodles are the pits. They’re only good if you’re flat ass starving to death and you have, just HAVE to eat something in order to stay alive! Starving natives in Ethiopia probably don’t even eat ramen. Chicken, beef or shrimp flavor, they all taste and suck the same to me. Give me bread and water any day! I can honestly say, once out of federal prison this time, I’ll never, ever eat another worthless ramen noodle soup again. The mere sight of one of the cheap ass packages might make me go ballistic! In closing, when I was a little kid in grade school and I didn’t like something, there was something I’d always say. A phrase me and my mean little friends would always use. And at this point and time I’ll say it for all the world to hear! Ramen Noodles Suck Green Donkey Dick! And I am Tripper! Better Days!
Tags: Donkey Dick, Food, Prison
October 4, 2008 1:19 am 4 Comments
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By Nelson, October 28, 2008 @ 5:53 pm
Personally, I like ramen a lot. I eat it raw or cooked, and rarely use the seasoning. I like the taste of the noodles themselves. I’m not even broke, and eat the hell of it. They get old after a while, but honestly, one of my favorites foods to eat.
By potbot, December 5, 2008 @ 1:08 pm
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By lisa p, December 9, 2008 @ 9:43 am
trip,
i want to hurl every time i look at them.brian had some in the pantry when i first got here,i hid them.i even try to avoid them in the the grocery store too.never hope to see another ramen noodle burrito ever !!
the one and only featherwood
By Tdog, December 21, 2008 @ 5:07 pm
Top Ramen ain’t bad if you spice it right. Just add some garlic, mrs dash, pepper, rosemary, oregano, onion, beer, or whatever else you can find. Experiment.